Better Marriages, Essay Example

When I consider whether workshops and exercises can help couples in their relationships, I find I usually pause before actually thinking over the question.  More exactly, my larger concern is what first makes most couples believe they can be helped by such things.  I think this is important, and I have some personal experience to go by; my boyfriend and I have been together for over six years, and we are expecting our second child, so I am no stranger to difficulties in relationships.  What gives me pause, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, is how couples today interpret “problems,” which I tend to think is in an unrealistic manner.  It seems to me that relationships today are under unusual strain, but not because of the typical reasons of career pressure, etc., so often cited; rather, I feel that the strain is created by the perpetual examining of the relationship itself, so insisted upon by our modern culture.  Conflict resolution, for example, is virtually an industry in itself.  Endless books and seminars repeat the same phrases, as in: “Happy couples…tend to act in positive ways to resolve conflict” (Strong, DeVault, & Cohen, 2010,  p. 245).  Certainly, my boyfriend and I have disagreements, and even outright fights.  At the same time, however, I am by no means convinced that paying close attention to these things, or seeking to “understand” them better, is productive or healthy.

In a very real sense, I must confess that, in my eyes, a great deal of relationship workshop effort goes to creating an impossible situation: couples who, by analyzing why they act emotionally, will be able to avoid the negativity of emotion.  Yes, couples who undergo extreme issues probably can benefit by external help.  Most, however, seem to think that a person or a couple can experience all there is to being united with another and, through comprehension of motives, not be actually and personally upset when things do not go well.  There is, for example, an idea out there of the “more successful” relationship, but I must wonder as to what that truly is.  If it means an absence of hostility, then I believe it must also translate to an absence of deep feeling, and I do not understand why couples are so intent on changing the basic nature of what real intimacy is.  It is often volatile precisely because it is so close, and I cannot imagine a way of removing the unpleasantness without weakening the joy.  As I see it, no person can neatly tailor emotional parts of themselves without altering their entire being, so workshops usually strike me as exercises, not in “learning to be happier,” but in futility.

For example, the “interviewing your partner” option in the exercises arena of the Better Marriage site seems like a valuable choice.  Intimacy requires knowing as much as possible about your partner, so the many and intimate questions would appear to be helpful for couples.  This is also an example of the “hard work” many feel a relationship demands.  To me, however, it seems out of place because real intimacy evolves in a different way.  It is certainly good to understand how your partner feels about many things, and even why they feel these ways.  In my eyes and in my relationship, however, the process of becoming close addresses these things in a totally unique manner.  In the “work” concept, a huge reality is again ignored.   A real relationship must be a state of being created by emotional investment, and all the shared knowledge in to world cannot generate feeling.  I definitely believe that people should work on themselves, especially if they are lacking in consideration to their partners.  Working on the relationship itself, however, strikes me as trying to push water together with your hands; the subject itself cannot be manipulated by such efforts.  We can try to listen better, as we can try to express ourselves more clearly, but that is all we can do because the relationship, completely relying on both parties, still exists in a way apart from them.

I think I myself would consider relationship counseling or a workshop only if I felt that something specifically wrong was happening between my boyfriend and myself, and that it was a thing we were both at a loss to understand.  This does not contradict my other feelings, because seeking help only in such a situation means that we are united in recognizing some danger, and not after some vague and largely unrealistic goal of perfect content with one another.  I acknowledge that this would be a highly unusual circumstance, but I can think of no other wherein I feel a workshop would be of service.  A relationship can be an extraordinary thing, as mine often is, but I think it is a mistake to believe that so complex and personal a thing, uniquely belonging to two people, can be taken apart by components, tweaked, and made perfect.  The “perfect” or “successful” relationship, in fact, is the one from which I would run, because it could not be composed of real, often confused and angered, moments and feelings.

Works Cited

Better Marriages.  Couple Exercises.  2012. Web.  12 July, 2012.    http://www.bettermarriages.org/?coupleexercises

Strong, Bryan, DeVault, Christine, & Cohen, Theodore F. (2010).  The Marriage and Family Experience: Intimate Relationships in a Changing Society.  Belmont: Cengage Learning.