How to Decide When to End a Long-Term Relationship, Essay Example

In this article the author, Steve Pavlina, makes some very valid points about how to know when to leave a long-term relationship. Many people struggle with this decision because they continue to go through the motions of being in a long-term relationship without really thinking about why they are in the relationship or why they are unhappy or even happy.

The Main Point

The author’s main point in this article is knowing when to leave a relationship that may not be beneficial. He points out that many people go back and forth in their minds about whether or not to leave or stay in a relationship. They ask themselves questions to try and find answers to make a decision to leave or stay. Mr. Pavlina refers to this as a “state of ambivalence.” This state means not being sure if a relationship is good enough to stay in or bad enough to leave. This state also means a person is stuck in a position of thinking they would be foolish to leave a relationship, but at the same time they may be thinking of the reasons it is foolish to stay in the relationship. Mr. Pavlina states that the main thing is to ask yourself if “you’re seriously holding yourself back from finding a truly fulfilling relationship that would serve you well the rest of your life” (StevePavlina.com).

Other Major Points

One of Mr. Pavlina’s major points in the article is the importance of knowing how to decide to end a long-term relationship, and he also refers to a book that he describes as providing “an intelligent process for overcoming relationship ambivalence” (StevePavlina.com). The book by Mira Kirshenbaum is called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Another major point of the article is the process of actually making the decision to stay or leave a long-term relationship.

Point Summary

Mr. Pavlina furthers the article by referring to the book by Kirshenbaum and points out that Kirshenbaum proposes that the wrong way to try to make a decision to leave a relationship is a balance-scale approach. This approach is basically what everyone usually does when deciding to stay or leave a relationship and that is weighing the pros and cons. The article points out this approach doesn’t yield all of the right information one needs to make the decision, because one doesn’t know if the pros and cons are temporary in the moment or permanent for the future.

The article points out that Kirshenbaum suggests a diagnostic approach instead of the balance-scale approach and states it is better to diagnose a relationship’s status rather than weigh it on a scale. The diagnostic approach is implemented by answering a series of yes or no questions, 36 total. These questions are designed as pass/fail filters. According to Kirshenbaum, if a person fails any of the filters, then the recommendation is to leave the relationship. For example, some of the questions asked are, whether or not a person’s partner is abusive or is the partner a drug user. Other questions ask whether or not a person is able to get their needs met in the relationship without difficulty, do both partners genuinely like each other, is there a good sexual attraction between two partners, or do partners have any fun together.

The whole purpose of the book is to diagnose whether or not a relationship is sick, and it is sick if there is failure in one or all of the filters presented and the recommendation is then to leave. However, it is also noted that a relationship takes both partners’ commitment and sometimes people can take the assessment and find ways to salvage their relationship.

It is interesting to note that the article also states that the diagnostic approach can apply to non-romantic relationships as well such as work relationships. The bottom line of this concept is to be aware if you’re spending more time in a relationship fighting against the grain than sharing love, then it is time to end it.

Impression of the Article

I thought the author did a good job with this article of thoroughly explaining how to decide if one is in a dead-end relationship or whether or not one is in a relationship that is worth staying in. I agree with the diagnostic questions posed in the book that the author recommends. It is true that many people stay in long-term relationships out of habit or a sense of obligation.

Also, I thought it was interesting about the pros and cons approach. I’ve done this myself. I have actually gotten out a piece of paper, drew a line down the middle and labeled one side pros and the other side cons, and I have listed everything I could think of in the columns. Now this is where I disagree with what’s in the article about this not being a viable way to decide to stay in a relationship. It is good to be able to actually take an objective look at who you are dealing with in a relationship. I do think that using both the balance-scale and diagnostic approaches would be best.

The main thing that I got out of the article is that, at the end, the author points out that at the very least, one should choose his own happiness. We should be happy in every area of our relationships and not settle for less than that.

Works Cited

Pavlina, Steve. “How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship.” Personal Development for Smart People. Web. 30 Nov. 2012. Retrieved from http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/08/how-to-decide-when-to-end-a-long-term-relationship/