Kolbs Model of Learning Applied to Parental Skills, Essay Example

Description of  Concrete Experience

Subtopic 1: The Development of Parenting Skills

I have three children including twins. Abundant reading taught me something, but experience taught me more. It taught me, more than anything else, that each child is different and has to be treated on his or her own merits. For instance, one of the twins was  (and is) high -strung and in his younger years had colic; the other shrunk in the background. To quiet the sibling, I would strip both naked, tie helium balloons to their ankles, and lay them side-by-side on the bed. They would gurgle in delight. An ongoing challenge was simultaneously to accord attention to their elder sister. She, therefore, selected the helium balloons and received one herself. Their development in these very early years taught me that there are easy and difficult babies; that there are differences in temperament, and that as parent I somehow have to keep tag on my morale so that I do not let the challenges (and there were many) swamp me.  To ‘sail through’, I learned to allocate time for myself, and equally as important to cry if I had to. I have seen too many parents become depressed. Colic for instance can be overwhelming. It was important to receive support, and I solicited it.

Subtopic 2: Parental Values and Attitudes That Accompany Stages in the Development of the Child

A separate journal for each of the children helped me chart their significant milestones. The early baby years, of course, involved close physical care: charting their developmental milestones, that they received their booster checkups and injections, crawled, walked, progressed to solids, talked at a ‘normal’ age, and demonstrated all that was expected of the average child of their years.  Of course, I was aware of the fact that each child progresses at his or her level; nevertheless glaring inconstancies were cause of concern and indeed I did have concerns with one of my kids who was for a while thought to be autistic.  It is still unclear whether or not he has some sort of Asperger’s syndrome.

Subtopic 3: Methods of Effective Guidance

Many of these topics seem to overlap.  In a practical sense, I have found the greatest method of effective guidance to simply be personal example. Kids model. Teaching them, for instance, how to brush their teeth, I did it by brushing my own teeth. They watched, then brushed theirs.  Similarly, when wishing them to adopt a certain habit or custom, I indulge in those acts myself, being particularly careful to maintain a running commentary as I do so. When I have erred, however, I am the first to admit it. Often I have told them that I am imperfect, for instance, in an abrupt treatment to another, or unjustifiably punishing a kid for an action that I later discovered was undeserved. I apologize, explain that my act was incorrect, and we then enter into a discussion of how and when to punish, and whether child would have committed that particular transgression how to reverse it. Parental modeling, I find, is the most important denominator for effective guidance.

Subtopic 4: The Role of Discipline and Its Contrast to Punishment

A practical example: just the other day, my daughter usurped my initials for her homework assignment. She cried when I wrote the teacher telling her of the event and informing that she accept my signature as replacement for initials. Rather than ignoring my daughter’s tears, I chose to practice trust. We made a contract, I would buy whiteout – which I did on the spot – erase the marks, on condition that she practice honesty (at least in this respect) in the future. She promised, and has so far kept her word.  More so, the resolution of the incident in this specific manner created an atmosphere of trust between us.

I think that there is a difference between discipline and punishment; discipline, it seems to me, has the child’s solicitude first and foremost. The focus is on the child: how to use the event to best direct her too more constructive behavior – for her sake. Punishment, on the other hand, punishes the behavior, but it might not necessarily be in a constructive manner. Sometimes, the punishment acts more as relief for the parent.

In a practical way, my punishment seeks to correlate transgression with corrective as a way to teach the child not to perpetrate the action so that it becomes a habit. I might not – and indeed do not – always succeed, but my focus is on the response being a corrective rather than it being a blind reaction to the child’s action.

Subtopic 5: Constructive and Destructive Elements in Parenting Styles; Three Categories of Parenting Style; The Behaviors Associated With Each; And Results

I would place parenting on either side of a spectrum with a median in between. There is the rigid and authoritarian approach, on the extreme end of one spectrum, with the indulging and too soft on the polar end. The median parenting style integrates setting boundaries for the child, a clear set of rules structured within an atmosphere of empathy and active listening and acceptance.

Either polar end can be destructive. I attempt to achieve the median characteristics, by setting clear guidelines at home (I usually deliver the message this way: ‘this is appropriate for you/ this is not appropriate’). I attempt that the message and rules be consistent, specific, and clearly understood. In this way, the child receives stability and security. He or she wishes to be directed and wishes to develop herself. She wishes for coherence in this confusing world. On the other hand, the child feels hurt when misunderstood and craves – as each of my children have told me – attention. The rules, therefore, have to be delivered in an understanding manner – justice and charity combined. I seek to ascertain that I am aware of all the facts before punishing the child (he or she may have some valid excuse that I am unaware of), I also seek to make the punishment fit the sin, and I explain to the child my reason for the punishment – that it is for her / his constructive growth.

Subtopic 6: The Challenges to Responsible and Effective Parenting Presented by Contemporary Society

I will take one aspect: the materialism of contemporary western society. In an attempt to teach my kids the value of money, and the enjoyment that can accrue from creating one’s own objects, many a time have I picked salvaged cast-outs from the alley that runs behind our apartment and shown my kids how to turn a seemingly worthless object (such as a piece of wood) into an object of value (e.g., a doll). Yet just today, my daughter had a playmate who questioned why she was living in an apartment, did not have another car, why the car was pastiched in parts with tape, and, in various other ways, devalued out level of living. Personally, I am proud of creating something from nothing.  I hope that my children will incorporate those same values.

Reflections

It is possible that my parenting skills started long before I became a parent when I was actually working as an educator for approximately nine years in various schools. What that experience had taught me, more than anything else, was that if education could be summed up in one statement, it was to see the other as a person and to treat him or her thus.   What this meant in a more reducible sense was that it wasn’t so much the treatment per se as the perception that counted.  If I looked beyond the extrinsic factors of the person and beyond his actions to his or her innermost essence, and then considered that socialization and nature caused the person to act or appear the way she did, I found that my perception of him naturally became more benevolent and accepting. I genuinely liked the person, and the other often reciprocated in kind.

Judaism, Christianity, and Islam teach that humans are created in the essence of God.  On that basis of that divinity alone a person has intrinsic value.  Each and every one has his or her unique constellation and tasks in life; their significance not rated by humans but rated by the way the person actualizes his life. Parenting has to start way before the child is born. The parent has to realize that a precious commodity is entrusted to his care, and that his treatment of this commodity will determine not only the outcome of this specific individual but also too of the individuals that emanate form him. The first step is to see this soul as Divine.

When my children were born, therefore, the responsibility felt was intense. I knew that very soon diverse types of scribbles, footprints, and fingerprints would carve their way into this tableau rosseau (Locke’s description; an unmarked board), and I prayed for the assistance and tenacity – and perhaps most of all the wisdom – to parent in an astute manner.

Subtopic 2: Parental Values and Attitudes That Accompany Stages in the Development of the Child

I have had to cognitively develop my thinking as the child has matured.  Each child has developed in his or her own ways, and two of my children, at least, have developed more according to my personality.  I find it, therefore, naturally easier for me to be inclined towards those two children than to the third.  A third seems to have assumed a more dogmatic personality with the tendency to prefer a Manichean (black-and-white) sort of thinking. It seems to me strange, sometimes, that this child is a product of myself. I have to often remind myself that I and he are existentially distinct, that the utmost that I can do is to guide him according to what I think is most valuable and best in this life, whilst simultaneously realizing that ultimately he will choose his own direction in life.

Subtopic 3: Methods of Effective Guidance

My daughter, just yesterday, commented on an ‘Arthur’ book that she had read that she disliked it and thought the mother in the narrative stupid. In short, the mother had apparently rebuked Arthur for wasting his time playing computer games; the computer bust; the mother fixed it, and, after Arthur was asleep, whiled away the night by playing the games herself. My daughter found the story off-putting and criticized the mother at length. Her comment was that the mother should not have acted hypocritically, contrary to her reprimand, as she had done.  My reflection: children – perhaps specifically certain children of a typical character and, possibly even more so, adolescents – are particularly irked by hypocrisy.  Research has demonstrated that most dropouts from religious homes have rebelled due to witnessed hypocrisy. Even though research on this subject is questionable and contradictory, I have encountered enough cases of dropouts from fundamentalist families to support this assertion. Modeling, in my opinion, is the most effective guidance for child discipline.

Subtopic 4: The Role of Discipline and Its Contrast to Punishment

An adult once shared the impression of his parental education with me.  On the few occasions that he misbehaved, his father would call him in his office, remove a cane from the wall and – beat himself.  This beating, the man told me, was worse than any punishment the father might have personally accorded him. The son would hide his face, cry, and beg the father to rather beat him instead. Not only did this teach the child about the gravity of the transgression, but also it incorporated in him the love that the father obviously felt for him, and more effectively than anything else restrained him from misconduct. This, in my opinion, is the difference between discipline and punishment. The son was disciplined – directed in a certain direction.

Subtopic 5: Constructive and Destructive Elements in Parenting Styles; Identify at Least Three Categories of Parenting Styles; Include an Overview of the Parenting Behaviors Associated With Each Style and the Results Obtained From Each

Maimonides advises an individual to neither go to the extreme left nor to the extreme right but rather to choose the ‘golden’ mean. This could similarly be applied to parenting. Either extreme  – authoritarian or indulgent – literally ‘spoils’ the child. Integration is preferred.

Subtopic 6: Discuss the Challenges to Responsible and Effective Parenting Presented by Contemporary Society

Each society has its educational paradigm very often slanted according to popular ideas of that age. Bertrand Russell’s child complained that she was spoiled due to her father’s ideas adopted from behaviorism popular in his age (in Russell’s aspect it was to limit emotional warmth form a child in order to foster his/ her independence). Similarly, Dr. Spock’s psychoanalytic ideology has been blamed for many a parental misdemeanor.  In time, I have learned to be critical with theoretical parenting books – or generally with parenting books of any kind. I realize my child to be an individual, not slanted to any particular advice; those recommendations whilst helpful should be treated cautiously, and I assess author’s qualifications before accepting their advice.

Generalizations/ Principles/ Theories

Subtopic 1:The Development of Parenting Skills

As the children developed, they exhibited their unique particularities. Realizing this, and realizing that each had to be encouraged in his specific pattern (a need, particularly important with the twins), I selected different schools for them. More so, I encouraged them to develop their interests. When, for instance, each of them attends the library, one selects material on sharks, another cookbooks (he loves food), the third books on Barbie’s. I encourage these hobbies for my cannon is that each child is different and needs to be encouraged in his or her specialties.

Subtopic 2: Parental Values and Attitudes That Accompany Stages in the Development of the Child

Emotional attachment with each child is, I believe, essential for healthy development. I think that one of my children lacked this early maternal bonding, and it is possible that this left a lasting impression. My first two children were given to me instantly to hold. The other had complications and was sequestered in intensive care for close to a month. He still demonstrates difficulties. Either way, I made sure to dedicate much time to my kids, particularly in those early months so that they recognized me as their caregiver and, in a way, impressed a certain kind of attachment to me. Living in the Middle East at the time, breast-feeding was overly (and unhealthily) encouraged. It was said to protect both mother and child from a dazzling spectrum of diseases. I never succeeded and preferring to keep my sanity – specifically with the twins (and completing my masters at the time), I resorted to bottle-feeding. I still do not think they were the worst for it.  My practical focus all the time was on catering to their needs in a healthy and nourishing manner carefully balanced for both mother and child.

Subtopic 3: Methods of Effective Guidance

A strategy that generally helps me in effectively guiding my children is to conduct dialogue with them in an open-ended manner, thus instead of asking them questions in a closed-ended approach that invites a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as response, I engage them in an open-ended discussion-like manner attempting to evoke their curiosity with an observation that is relevant to their interests and on their level.  I repeat this with games, with trips, with activities that center around various crafts, and, simply, by opening them up to a diversity of people and experiences.

Subtopic 4: The Role of Discipline; Compare and Contrast Discipline With Punishment

I have learned not to compel my discipline desires. This has been possibly the most challenging aspect for me vis-à-vis discipline, and I am still struggling with this. Each child, I have learned, has to be approached in a different manner. My daughter, for instance, has long taught me not to moralize her. She prefers to understand the reason, to visualize it, then to decide whether or not she would accord.

Actions have to be made appealing to them. To encourage healthy eating, therefore, I allow each child to select his or her specific menu of the day, the child then acts as waitress, associates in the preparation of the meal, helps lay the table, serve it, and clear up.  This has not only taught them essentials of nutrition, but also boosts their esteem.   These are just some examples of concrete experience through the different developmental stages.

Subtopic 5: Constructive and Destructive Elements in Parenting Styles; Identify at Least Three Categories of Parenting Styles; Include an Overview of the Parenting Behaviors Associated With Each Style and the Results Obtained From Each

If I would craft a law in this aspect, it would be to abstain from behavior that tends to be too extreme in an either-or direction.   It seems to me that a suitable method for preventing this tendency to extremism is to creep into the other’s mindset and to ask oneself a spiraling system of ‘whys’. To illustrate on a hypothetical monologue: “my children did this”. “Why?” (She was upset). “Why?” (Because she was hurt) “Why?” And so forth? I have once picked this up as a method to understanding other individuals and their situations (as well as equally applied to material that one reads), and I think it can as advantageously be employed to this situation too.  A general rule to avoid destructive behavior patterns and to adopt a healthy ‘middle means’ is to stand back and assess the child’s conduct according to a multiple series of interrogative ‘why’s.

Subtopic 6: The Challenges to Responsible and Effective Parenting Presented by Contemporary Society

In one word, I would state that to be materialism. I have lived in E. Europe, particularly Hungary, parts of Slovakia and Czechoslovakia, as well as Moldavia and have remarked that children growing up with fewer material comforts have been, oftentimes, compelled to depend more on themselves for survival and development and have, generally, although not always turned out to be healthier individuals vis-à-vis enhanced self-esteem, creative thinking, and other merits that include appreciation of education, diligence, self-discipline and conscientiousness. To the reverse, our first week in Silicon Valley was heralded by a student’s suicide. The students – children of high-tech executives- experienced multiple parental separation and divorce, oftentimes coming from dysfunctional families; they would voice their discontent with life (in a shared discussion, many of them stated life to contain no meaning; these were children as young as ten); and were dissatisfied with almost everything in their existence.  I think it important for my children to deserve their reward, to create products with their own hands, and to learn a diversity of skills.

Testing and Application

Subtopic 1: Discuss the Development of Parenting Skills

As said, it seems to me that appreciating a child for who he or she is the root of parental skills. I had tested this idea in my activities with the homeless population who included drug addicts and parolees.  Many of these were hardened criminals, others teens wandering the street evicted from fundamentalist religious homes by parents who did not understand them. To these parents they were a threat.  Their perception of the children often shaped, if not aggravated, their children’s characteristics.  Most if not all of them deeply distrusted others.  It took effort to look beyond this, but one imagined a tarnished pot with the essence pure metal corrupted by coarse handling and ‘unwashed service’ and when one concentrated on that core Idea of the person, I could sometimes transcend my initial repugnance, achieve a deep liking for the person which was soon rewarded by trust.  Incidentally, Philosophy contributed to that perspective: the Platonic Idea theorized that a pure essence underlies all existence. The appearance may be distorted or warped, nonetheless potential lies behind each and every individual. The trick is to work away at the dross in order to liberate that potential. This involves the same task as a psychotherapist. My attempt in education, counseling, and social work was to drill through the layers of the person swaddled on him or her by circumstances beyond her control; x-ray through to the initial ‘baby’ and seeing him thus in that pristine state accord him the respect and honor that he deserved.

Subtopic 2: Parental Values and Attitudes That Accompany Stages in the Development of the Child

It wasn’t only education that had imbued me with parenting skills way before I had children. I was an experienced counselor too, and counseling, to a great extent, acts as equalizer of people. At one time, shy of others and non-confident, I soon realized that almost everyone, despite occasional contravening appearances, desired affection and understanding; many craved meaning in their lives, and, very simply, that if you show them respect, acceptance and – one more element – honesty, they reciprocated in kind. Children need that same thing: affection, understanding, respect, acceptance, and honesty. My experiments in the past in both the counseling and social work professionals, well as in education, replicated themselves to the personal component of educating my own children.

Subtopic 3: Methods of Effective Guidance

I believe that to consist of modeling.  Many past experiences have corroborated that to be the case, and I can only persist in my assumptions by delineating the principles that I hold to be most true for myself and, by practice, hoping that my children emulate them.

Subtopic 4: The Role of Discipline; Compare and Contrast Discipline With Punishment

Love is the best effecter of discipline. Ironically, experiences in community social work helped me test this theory. I had worked for a period of time as a social worker. In my interactions with a broad spectrum of mentally handicapped and physically handicapped individuals – I saw the same phenomenon: once confident people, many of them affluential, highly connected, or socially intimidating in some aspect or other were reduced to dependence on others; and many, if not all of them, although most times unwilling to admit it, craved authentic human interaction; the smile, the word, the touch most of all. Give them that, and, oftentimes, savage Samsons with long locks melted into vulnerable Samsons with hair shorn.  At root, they were humans with the same basic human needs:  to be accepted for what they were and not to be judged according to how socialization or life experiences had crafted them to be.

Subtopic 5: Constructive and Destructive Elements in Parenting Styles; Identify at Least Three Categories of Parenting Styles; Include an Overview of the Parenting Behaviors Associated With Each Style and the Results Obtained From Each

My thesis is that neither indulgence nor authoritarianism is healthy discipline methods for a child. How have I tested this?  By, on the one hand, having come into contact with numerous authoritarian families in my lives and having witnessed the products of their background: generally warped, miserable, and passing on a record of dysfunctionality to their own descendents. On the other hand, I have, first-hand too seen the products of indulgence and many- although not all individuals (in either case) have also proved unsuccessful in their evolvement into mature healthy adults. Close observation of families that seem to me to provide a mixture of compassionate discipline bordered by rules and seasoned with understanding and care has shown me children that genuinely love and respect their parents and willingly adopt a way of life for themselves that they independently believe to be meritorious. These children have, over and again, developed as healthy and productive individuals of their surrounding society and seem to lead meaningful and productive lives.

Subtopic 6: The Challenges to Responsible and Effective Parenting Presented by Contemporary Society

I intend to incorporate an expanded syllabus of museum trips and exposure to a spectrum of crafts on a weekly schedule. As part of my own education, I have taught myself: woodworking, sewing, woodcarving, various forms of fine art, and other various indoor and outdoor skills. My children have been exposed to gardening and to baking/ cooking. There are many other recreations that I would like to open them up to, such as kayaking, boating, canoeing, possibly fishing, hiking, camping and so forth. I have thought traditional Guide camps (such as the British Scouts or Brownies) to be invaluable for children in making them resourceful and independent and in teaching them valuable life skills. It is my thesis that they can withstand the challenges of contemporary society by being more resourceful and resilient adults. I would like to help my children acquire the skills that I have taught myself in order to enable them to become so.