Love at the Gym, Research Paper Example

Communication is a term used to refer to the act of transferring information from one person to another. This can be verbal or non-verbal (Moore, 1994). In this scenario of Jan and Tom, communication is being utilized. Right from the time they met at the gym, up to their present lives, they have utilized communication. In the first case, they met as strangers. No one knew the name of the other. They used verbal communication to know each other’s names. Verbal communication is a medium of communication that entails the use of spoken words to pass messages. Face-to-face communication is the most common means of verbal communication. For any relationship to make sense, communication has to be there. Relationships are about sharing feelings and thoughts that can be physical, spiritual or sexual. In the relationship between Jan and Tom, there is a commitment. Despite the fact that they do not live together, either are they married, they spare time to meet and have fun. This is what has made them come this far.

Both Tom and Jan were looking for consistency in another person. When they met, they liked each other. This is an illustration that they had found the consistency they were after. When it comes to relationships, there is some varying degree in commitment and significant each individual involved has. In the case of Tom and Jan, both had to be open and talk of their past. Tom’s last girlfriend died of cancer, and Jan had been dating multiple men. Despite their dark past, they are able to bury it and start a new life. The main reason for this is that they had found the consistency they were looking for in each other. In a relationship, the way in which certain messages are communicated decides the message it passes. In Tom and Jan’s relationship, a combination of personality and traits keeps them together.

In a relationship, communication will help in sharing interests, aspirations and concerns. Through communication, Tom came to know Jan as a person who lives a hippie lifestyle. This is the same case with Jan. She learnt that Tom is a conservative businessperson through communication. Communication will allow lovers support each other, organize their lives, and work together to see their love grow. It is impossible for people to read the mind of others no matter how strong they love each other. For this reason, clear communication is vital. In order to avoid any misunderstanding in the relationship that may cause anger, hurt or confusion, lovers need to have clear channels of communication (Moore, 1994). The fact that Tom and Jan have been together for the last 10 years clearly demonstrates how they value communication. Even though, they lack appropriate words to express their feelings to each other, they try using the e-mail. It can be seen as a shocking idea, but this is their way of proving commitment to their love.

Effective communication in a love relationship will occur only if the receiver knows the information or idea the sender sends. It is clear that, for the last 10 years this couple has been in love, communication has helped them. When it comes to love, communication is more than just talking. It can be the use of body, posture, change of voice, expressions using the face, or expressing love feelings through writing. The non-verbal means of communication have been in use when it comes to telling people how you feel about them. These are non-verbal means of communication (Mikulincer & Goodman, 2006). When Jan and Tom met at the gym, they used non-verbal means to express their feeling. Equally, when they want to express how they feel for each other, because they lack appropriate language, they use e-mail. When using non-verbal communication, they are able to realize that the physique of each other makes them fall in love. If the feelings people have cannot be expressed using words, then the best is to use non-verbal means so that the message is heard and believed.

In the case of Tom and Jan, non-verbal communication dominates their first meeting. Eye contact is what makes them notice each other on the gym. In love, eye contact will signal the interests and increase the credibility of making a move. In some cases, it can convey concern. Through eye contact, Tom was able to show his interest in Jan. It is through eye contact that Jan realizes the muscular physique of Tom. Other non-verbal communication techniques are facial expressions that show happiness, warmth, friendliness, and liking. Through facial expression, lovers can be comfortable around each other. Gestures are good in enhancing happiness. Speaking minus gestures will prove irksome. In order to capture the attention of the other lover, gestures are vital. They will make the conversation more stimulating. The last non-verbal means of communication are the use of body orientation and posture. There are many messages that can be passed from the way people move and talk.

There is interdependency of the individuals in this relationship. In any relationship, people relate to each other in different ways. Some people are dependent in relationships (Reis & Sprecher 2009). In this relationship between Tom and Jan, they are independent. They have been there for each other for the last 10 years. In an independent relationship, people put aside their well-being in order to maintain their relationship. This is what Jan and Tom did. They just had to forget their past and start a fresh new relationship that has lasted for a decade now. Jan had to give up a series of relationships with other men to settle with Tom. In order for a relationship to be healthy, those in it have to be truly interdependent. This is a case where the two people are strongly in love. However, it does not need to reach a case where they compromise their values. Tom and Jan have made sacrifices. Jan will go to baseball games sometimes with Tom and Tom will go with Jan to concerts. For this reason, they still maintain what they value apart from their relationship. Tom watches sports and eats junk food while Jan gardens and eats healthy. They have difference, which they have accommodated. This is what true lovers should do.

With understanding and awareness, a balanced relationship will be achieved. Looking at Tom and Jan’s relationship, they have achieved a lot. They have managed to push their relationship for a whole decade. What has helped them is interdependency. They know where they started, where they are and where they are headed to. They started from the gym, they have known each other, and they intend to live as lovers forever. Despite their ethnic and tribal differences, and their very different lives, their love is the chief reason they are together. Jan is a short white female and Tom is a muscular medium height African American. Right from the start of their relationship, they had a goal of staying together, and nothing has really changed.

In Tom and Jan’s relationship, the rewards are living a happy life iced with true love. Both Tom and Jan are committed to their love. For the last 10 years, they have been living in peace, apart from their busy lifestyles. The journey they are on is imperative. They decided to make a change from their past life and live a happy life. According to interdependence theory, an interaction is seen as the core feature for interpersonal relationships. This theory sees rewards as the main element that unites people in a relationship. The two lovers are in a happy, stable relationship as shown by the graph.

Figure 1 showing how Tom and Jan’s compassionate is growing

According to the interdependency theory, ideal relationships should have high levels of rewards and low costs. It defines rewards as resources exchanged that are gratifying and pleasurable. On the other hand, costs are exchanged resources that lead to punishment or loss. This theory discusses a number of rewards (Mikulincer & Goodman, 2006). In Jan and Tom’s relationship, emotional rewards are present. Both have positive feelings towards each other. Experienced lovers are constructing this relationship. Social rewards are also present. These two lovers have the ability to interact in the social environment they are in. In their case, they love going to the gym together. They are positive about their social appearance.

According to triangular theory of love, true love consists of three elements: passion, intimacy and commitment. When the three are conceptualized, they form a love triangle with these three components making the vertices (Sternberg & Barnes 1998). Passion is a drive that leads to physical attraction, romance, and consummation. On the other hand, intimacy is the feeling of connectedness, closeness, and bondedness. This is common in loving relationships. Commitment is the decisions people make to love someone else. The aim of commitment is to maintain the love. According to Sternberg, the founder of this theory, passion tends to occur at the beginning of the relationship. It rises exceptionally fast and then starts to calm down to a stable state. In the event of a relationship breakdown, individuals’ perception about passion will go to negative. This is because they tend to feel an utter loss. This makes it hard for such individuals to move on in life.

Sternberg argues that intimacy will tend to peak at a slower speed as compared to the passion. After climaxing, it will reduce to a relatively low as compared to the passion. Any changes in the relationship will see intimacy drop. When intimacy falls, it can be activated by determination from the lovers. He goes further to illustrate that for any successful relationship to exist, commitment has to be there. At the beginning of the relationship, commitment will be slow, but will rise and then level off. In case the relationship fails, the level of commitment will decrease gradually (Sternberg & Barnes 1998). From the triangle love theory, Tom and Jan are in compassionate love. This is because passion and commitment are available in their relationship.

Tom and Jan are attached to each other in a number of styles. The first way is the activities they do. They meet in a gym where they are engaging in physical activities. Ten years down the line, and still they both workout in common. The gym is one attachment that keeps them together. What attracted them to each other is the physical attraction. Whereas Jan is a hippie, Tom is a conservative businessperson. Equally, Tom watches sports and eats junk food while Jan gardens and eats healthy. They are attached to different activities, but this does not burr them from strengthening their love. It is clear from their relationship that love is about forgetting the past once the right partners have met. Commitment has to be there for the relationship to weather any storms that will come along the way.

References

Mikulincer, M., & Goodman, G. S. (2006). Dynamics of romantic love: attachment, care giving, and sex. New York: Guilford Press.

Moore, T. (1994). Soul mates: honoring the mysteries of love and relationship. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.

Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2009). Encyclopedia of human relationships. Thousand Oaks, Calif.: SAGE Publications.

Sternberg, R. J., & Barnes, M. L. (1988). The Psychology of love. New Haven: Yale University Press.