Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships, Research Paper Example

My life, as in anybody else’s, has experienced losses on multiple levels and on scales of interpretation. The losses varied in significance, so of course some were considered bigger losses than others due to the outcomes and circumstances they lead to. While some losses were minor with easy fixes, other losses induced serious panic, emotional stress, and even thoughts of suicide to get away from them. As my life progressed with age, experience, and maturity, I started to develop unique methods and coping mechanisms to deal with such losses.  By doing this, I was able to minimize any possibility of suffering the effects of the same kind of loss in the future. My personal goals at the start of this course were to better understand how people, including myself, deal with different types of losses in life, and how to properly and effectively respond to them.

I first learned in this course through the text book titled “Death, Society, and Human Experience” written by Robert J. Kastenbaum about the edge theory and enjoying the thrill of survival. As a kid, I was a huge fan of amusement parks for their roller coasters. I regularly exercise so I did not worry myself of any cardiovascular impairment as the text book suggests. Before this course, I simply enjoyed the thrill of roller coasters and the rush of adrenaline they gave me. I never realized that there was a psychological reason as to why I enjoyed them so much. I always was aware that there were risks of death associated with roller coasters, but this knowledge was buried in my subconscious. I do not ride roller coasters as much anymore but as far as I can tell no losses were associated with this part of my life. A significant loss however, was the loss of a dream I once had for my life. (Kastenbaum)

When I was a child, I had major dreams of becoming a professional basketball player. Like most children in junior high, I was not much concerned with my homework and education. I had no realistic thoughts or plans about my future at the time because I was simply too young to interpret what constituted realism. As a child, I was mostly concerned with watching basketball players on television, studying techniques, and playing basketball with my friends because that was fun.

My father was all about pursuing dreams, but he was also an intense realist and fully knew that I would never make it to the professional level or even play on a college team. He was always right, but I was too young to realize that at the time. He wanted me to have fun playing basketball and also because physical fitness was an important thing to him, but more than anything, he wanted me to focus on school and my academic career to secure my future. My father was an accountant and was very smart in not only his field, but in life. I was lucky to have him guiding me and he still inspires me to this day.

I spent most of high school practicing and improving my abilities in basketball. My grades were just average and not because I wasn’t smart enough to make straight A’s, but because of my lack of effort in my academic studies which attributed to time spent playing basketball. As high school progressed to my senior year, reality started to hit me that I simply was not good enough to make it on the professional level of basketball. No college or university was interested in having me play for their team and this helped me to understand that I had to pursue a more realistic career. I read in the book entitled “The 50^th Law” written by Robert Greene, that intense realism was an important skill to have in order for one to be successful. This does not go against dreams but to simply be more concerned with what is in place as opposed to personal desires. This helped me to understand the reality of my situation and to accept it. (Greene)

Because this reality was progressive through my life it was not considered an “instant loss”, meaning it happened over a span of a few years rather than immediately hitting me. This made the grief period very wide spread and honestly much the loss much easier to cope with. This is the part of my life where I lost a dream, but I do not at all regret the experiences I had with pursuing it. I now can look back on this loss and know that I at least tried to pursue it with all of my heart and know with reason that it was not for me. This only motivated me to get serious about my education which is not only more realistic, but I have come to find that I have grown a passion for academic studies. This is a skill set I did not have when I was younger and through obtaining this from my loss of a dream, I converted a loss into a gain. (Greene)

The loss of my dream was considered as an easy loss for me. Another loss which may be considered easy was a financial loss I once suffered. Although this was considered an easy loss such as my loss of a dream, it was not as gradual. I was desperate for money at one point and did not want to ask my parents for help. It was hard for me to find a job just being a college student. A student approached me one day with a business opportunity they presented me with. We set up a meeting and discussed they job requirements. There of course was one catch, which was that I had to buy my way into the job position. I was uneducated and desperate at the time, so even though I had a bad feeling about this situation, I bought in because I did not want to miss out on what I thought was a rare business opportunity. I nearly emptied my bank account thinking I could make the money back with the new job. I later learned that I had been the victim of a pyramid scheme and I would not be able to make any of that money back through this job. This was an instant loss as I did my research and even asked my father about it after the fact. I had never felt so incompetent and insecure with myself. (Greene)

This was a significant financial loss for me. Robert Greene demonstrates in his book however, that such losses must not be held on to because they act as a weight holding you back from what could be done in the future. I considered this loss as a write off and as another lesson. I not only knew not to fall for this con again, but also to warn others of it. (Greene)

The losses I have described so far however are non-death related. By human nature, death related causes are significant losses in a person’s life. My uncle had been battling lung cancer for a couple of years. The effects of the lung cancer were on and off as he underwent multiple surgeries and treatments. This was an emotionally depressing time for our family because we all feared that he would soon pass away. My uncle was an elder man as he was also my father’s uncle which would actually make him my great uncle. My uncle believed that he had lived a joyful life and had no fear of death. In the text book it is noted that certain people share a kind of inner-relationship with the idea of death which extends beyond the basic perceptions of realization. (Kastenbaum)

My uncle was content with his life and was accepting of the possibility of his death. My family loved our uncle so much however that we did not share his acceptance of such a scenario where he did not continue to live with us. The textbook also described the variations in both the acceptance and denial of death that existed in humans. My uncle’s acceptance of death was based on his own unique personal experiences and religious beliefs. It was not that my uncle exactly wanted to die or even was ready to die, but he knew that if the cancer did eventually end his life then he would be accepting of it because he had no regrets in his life. My family felt that this impaired his emotional strength as far as fighting the cancer for his life. We felt that because he was accepting of the possibility of his death, then he may not put up as much of a fight for survival. (Kastenbaum)

My mother was not very good at concealing her emotions. As my uncle grew even more ill, my mother started to experience a form of death anxiety. In the text book, it is noted that anxiety, denial, and acceptance are the core concepts when regarding death. My mother, and even myself, were remaining in denial about the possibility of my uncle’s possible death. My father was better at concealing his emotions but I was able to understand that he was emotionally impaired from my uncle’s illness.

My uncle stopped responding to the treatment for his lung cancer, and the doctor knew that his time was coming. Even though we still did not want to accept the fact that he would soon be dead, my family had moved my uncle from the hospital to a hospice where he would receive the best palliative care. The idea of palliative care is described in the text book as alleviating a terminal illness without treating or trying to cure it. My family did everything they could to comfort my uncle in the time he had remaining. (Kastenbaum)

Eventually, the lung cancer had taken my uncle’s life away. Although all members of my family were sad and emotionally depressed, we all copped with the loss in different ways. My parents went through a period of drinking a lot of wine and beer on a frequent basis in order to alleviate the emotional pain. I tried to keep my emotions to myself and diverted my focus to my academic studies in an attempt to divert my thoughts from my emotional stress. These were all forms of denial because we did not want to accept that my uncle was no longer with us. As time passed, the emotional stress started to fade away and we eventually realized that although my uncle was no longer with us, he made a positive impact on our lives and we were actually very happy that he passed away peacefully on his own terms. My uncle felt a sense of accomplishment as he laid on his death bad. In his final moments, he felt that he had accomplished everything he had sought to do in life. Knowing this helped us to cope with the loss during our grief phase. All of us having religious beliefs also allowed us to believe that we would hopefully see him again when our time came. Such a significant loss in my life had helped to craft my own personal style of dealing with losses in general. (Kastenbaum)

At some point during my uncle’s battle with his lung cancer, the idea of euthanasia crossed my mind. Not once did my uncle or any of the doctors suggest inducing a procedure of euthanasia, but it crossed my mind because I was actually hoping that nobody would suggest it. I am not sure what my views are on euthanasia or assisted death. I would assume that it all depends on the specific situation as well as the people involved. The text book notes that there are two types of euthanasia. The first type is called active euthanasia which simply involves ending a person’s life through a medical procedure such as lethal injection. The second type of euthanasia is referred to as passive euthanasia which involves withholding treatments or cures that could extend an ill person’s life. Although my uncle was slowly being weakened from the cancer, he was not dramatically suffering and there was no need for active euthanasia. The doctor’s confirmed that he was no longer responding to treatment and that it was best to just let him pass peacefully so this would not be considered passive euthanasia. (Kastenbaum)

Regarding the thoughts of suicide, this all started from a relationship with a woman I was once with. I once had a short lived relationship with a woman. This was the first time I had ever been with a woman. It was my first relationship as I was very young at the time and did not have any experience with intimate relationships. I did not understand what romantic emotions were. I always had a crush on this woman and as we started talking, we became more of a romantic couple. I felt a serious emotional attachment to this woman because I liked her so much. We spent a lot of time together and became very close and I even thought that this was the woman whom I would spend the rest of my life with.

This loss was occurring around the time that I had started to realize my dreams for becoming a professional basketball player were unrealistic. As that dream faded away, I developed dreams of one day marrying this woman and she became my new dream.  As time progressed however, this woman’s emotions for me had begun to fade away. Although she was losing interest in our relationship, my feelings for her remained the same. As I received less and less attention from her, I grew emotionally distraught and insecure with myself. I started seeing her spend more time with other guys and this hurt me. Even though this was a non-death related loss, I considered it the biggest loss in my life emotionally. (Gaspard)

I had grown so obsessed with being with this woman that I simply could not imagine or even accept my life without her. These negative emotions took toll of my mentality and this is when I started to develop thoughts of suicide. The text book noted that the loss of a relationship is one of the most common causes that lead to a youth suicide. This would make sense to me because the emotional heart break I felt at the time was worse than any physical pain I had ever felt. Even though I had frequent thoughts of suicide, I did not go through with it or even once attempt it. Perhaps just the thought of suicide was a coping mechanism to get me through this emotional loss of such a valued relationship. (Kastenbaum)

Eventually, after spending enough time away from her, my emotions had worn off for this woman and the relationship. As I started reading and became better educated on the psychology of intimate emotions, I realized that this was not a healthy relationship to be in in the first place. There were a few reasons as to why this was not a healthy relationship for me or the woman.

Firstly, I now realize that I was co-dependent to her. I needed this woman to want me in her life. I needed her attention, affection, and approval. I conformed to her needs and desires. This was not healthy for me because it induced a sense of insecurity in me. I also realized after reading Robert Greene’s book that I was desperate for this woman out of a position of weakness, neediness, and fulfilment. This was not at all healthy because genuine relationships must come from a position of strength on both ends. I did not have anything to offer her because I was simply looking to her for fulfillment in my life. This was also unhealthy for her because I was holding her back from her own life. (Greene)

Although I had strong, romantic emotions for this woman, these feelings in the end were not reciprocated from her. A genuine relationship must have the same, equal emotions coming from both partners otherwise it will end in failure. I now see this loss as a learning lesson for possible relationships in the future. I know that I must be in a position of emotional security with myself before I can be ready to share my life with another person on a romantic and intimate level. (Gunther)

Overall, I learned a great deal form this course on how to deal with losses on all levels. I can now understand the physiological perspective of such losses and why I feel the emotions I do in these situations. I must be aware that losses are inevitable and must be ready for them when they occur. My comfort level regarding losses remains steady and cautious. Even when life is going good for me, this course along with other readings have taught me that losses can happen at any moment even when things appear to be perfect. I am glad I can take the teachings of this course and integrate them into my own life. (Kastenbaum)

Works Cited

Gaspard, Terry. Overcoming Codependency: Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships. 31 October 2013. 5 June 2015 <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/overcoming-codependency_b_4179666.html>.

Greene, Robert. The 50th Law. HarperCollins Publishers, 2009.

Gunther, Randi. When Your Partner Gives More Than You Can Return. 20 October 2012. 5 June 2015 <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201210/when-your-partner-gives-more-you-can-return>.

Kastenbaum, Robert J. Death, Society and Human Experience. Prentice Hall PTR, 2011.