Skin-Folds and Socialism, Essay Example

Current and Future Oil Crises Averted

I’m not worried. Beyond Petroleum has it under control. The company always prided themselves on being so environmentally-friendly that I know that deep down they had the world’s best interests- and not money- at heart when they decided to take a quick break to get those thinking caps on straight and leave the oil caps off. What harm could two days and hundreds of thousands of gallons of leaking oil do? One thing is for sure: they are as adept at dumping money as they are at dumping oil into the ocean water.

They say blood is thicker than water, but oil is thicker than blood. While the profits were keeping BP’s pockets lined, the world of petroleum was greasing the money-counting hand of American bigwigs. That oil ship has sailed… and sunk… and perhaps burst into a flaming effigy as well.

With all of this free time, BP officials and American political bigwigs alike have been forced to find new hobbies. One of the most common choices is exercise. Obama and BP officials particularly enjoy facing off in a battle of finger extensions. What happens is that each player starts on the same team but has the option to do a rapid duck-and-cover movement while pointing out their successor on the chopping block of public opinion. Considerable dodging skills are necessary, and both teams have shown considerable prowess and promise.

Former-president “W”, on the other hand, is always a member of the opposing team and just stands in his team’s red, white, and blue WMD jersey and waits for someone to tell him what to do. When Obama scurries across the court and criticizes W’s inaction, Bush Jr. replies with a scathing favorite playground come-back: “I’m rubber, you’re oil. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” Honestly, I’m surprised that Bush, Jr. could say such a thing! Obama could not have oil stuck to him; each of his feet already occupies a space in his body and thus allows no more room for anything else to get stuck. Maybe W gets the last laugh after all. If he ever catches up to what is going on, that is.

Say what you want about his methods, Obama’s athletic performance is stunning. He is everywhere and nowhere at once and leaves a whole lot of hot air seething in his wake. BP keeps trying to take five on the bench, but Obama is much too aggressive too allows any scapegoats to ‘scape. If he should fall, then it is only fair that he have support to accompany him on his way down, I mean, off the court.

When not on the court of public opinions, BP and Obama go on long, romantic walks together by the beach and the warm, murky black water. Nothing takes the edge off of the For their first anniversary, BP gave President Obama a fourteen-gallon, oil-coated black ring. Obama need only look next to him to make a wish on a falling star. And, as they sit by the water, they take turns skipping stones across the bubbling oil at the once-scenic Gulf of Mexico.

Could society really demand that such a beautiful love be torn asunder?

Absolutely! The American people have the right to yell “Because I say so”! BP might throw a tantrum and threatened to run away with the President’s career and our oil, but we must stand firm when BP asks, “Why should I implement extra safety measures that come out of my profits?” or “Why should I count how many holes are gushing water into the ocean?” The answer is “Because I say so”!

The first course of action is to hold massive boat races at some exotic and expensive locale. Nothing draws a BP crowd like a boat race. Not rain, nor sleet, nor snow, nor mass amounts of animal casualties, nor multi-billion dollar oil spill tab could keep BP’s CEO from attending, as we found out from his recent attendance at the Isle of Wight. If we give the corporate bigwigs some VIP tickets to an uninhabited island far offshore of Galveston and just sailed away, the problem of those people adding to the problem would be over. Rest assured no one would pick them up; not one of those officials looks like Tom Hanks.

What can each person do? The obvious second course of action is to lock ourselves inside and never drive again. That will teach BP a lesson. Better yet, we should never even walk. Walking is motion; driving is motion; walking is like driving; we should not drive. We have the internet; we can have socialized health care and our daily rations delivered right to our home and never leave again. (Obama could appreciate that course of action.)

In fact, we should burn all energy-reliant and motion-producing objects altogether. If it runs using electricity, oil, or gas, junk it. Cars, fans, hot water heaters, junk them! As we speak, the world should make a run- not on the banks- on the grocery stores and stock up like it is Y2K or a nuclear scare. When the curfew is enforced and the city warning sirens sound the alarm, everyone will know that yes, the BP oil spill of 2010 happened. Then, in a style reminiscent of the film Zombieland, everyone will be a reclusive hero and will finally be at their computers long enough to make those desperate ITube wannabes into famous or infamous people.

Humans are extremely adaptable creatures. According to scientific theory, we evolved from tiny, one-celled organisms. If we can do that, surely we can order some black-out blinds and develop the ability to see in near-dark. Men and boys are ahead of the curve, since typically most of them have highly-developed sensorimotor skills from endless hours of staring at a television screen while killing one of many mythical creatures. As a result, they also have a muddled sense of archaic mythological terminology and the extremely useful skill of picking up bits of languages that are vital to our survival today, such as Klingon or Latin.

After years of such protest, we will be all set to use our own grotesquely overweight bodies to produce the energy needed. If we need to hoist something using wheels, our own bodies are round enough. If we need to create more electricity to fuel our video games, computers, televisions, and other materials for our full-time jobs of doing nothing, then we can just lift one fold of skin and release enough sweat to produce hydroelectric fuel. You see? We do not need BP, Obama, Bush Jr., or any other people. We need sweat-folds and socialism.

The benefits to this course of action are obvious. By the time the officials at BP and

political figures, such as Obama, quit blaming each other, no one will care, because we will all be speaking Klingon and have no televisions.  When Klingon becomes the global language and we revert to a pre-Babel state of unity, then there will be enough oil for no one to use since we found out that we really don’t miss it at all.

Ancient Egyptians gave camel rides which passed near what they called the “accursed” stuff- oil. It was considered the scourge of the locale. Looking at the pyramids, many would be willing to bet that they were smarter than us. As for me, I am proactive; as I type I am already getting a heads-up on my hermitage. Just remember when you elect me as your next Obama, that I have first dibs on admission to the Klingon Language Institute. By the way, it really exists. The plan is in motion.

Works Cited

“Front Lines.” American Conservative 9.8 (2010): 4-5. Academic Search Complete. EBSCO. Web. 20 July 2010.