The Harm in Waiting, Essay Example

The Harm in Waiting: Making Plans for Healthy Grief

A writer of tragedy can do no better than the child who cries out because every time that she sees a blue car she believes that her deceased mother returned for her. Branch and Brinson begin their examination of attachment, separation, and loss with such an example. (41) When an adult dies, a young child’s loved ones commonly do nothing. They grieve together as adults and take their children along on adult rituals without a relevant point of reference, coping mechanisms, or a developed philosophical, scientific, religious, or other rationale to provide relatable explanations. Children need to learn about the cycle of life at some point, but many people might argue that this very awareness of life and death marks the end of their innocence. Complicated by the preference of most to avoid the topic and the unexpected nature of many deaths, the well-being of the children at funerals becomes less a consideration than exhibiting a united front. The decision to include or exclude children from funerals- and especially viewings- should not be made during a time so critical and traumatic that even many adults cannot process the experience in a healthy way. Leaver (2006) writes that children are often left alone to deal with this process- under the assumption that death does not affect them as deeply as it does adults.

The first part of the plan to shield children from the ill effects of death within the family contains a very simple step: make a plan before it happens. While this advice sounds trite upon first consideration, a couple usually does not walk into a real estate office and make an offer on a house without consideration for credit scores, the quality of the house being purchased, the home environment, and each person’s job security. The purchase of a home does not produce as tangible long-term effects upon the family welfare as coping processes following a death. A proactive plan would include: an open discussion of the guardian’s viewpoints, an age-appropriate selection of literature representing death, an open discussion between a guardian and the child regarding death- one in which the guardian listens more than talks, and a provision for counseling in the event of a death or of further confusion as the child sorts out their perspective on life and death. McEntire also writes that vague euphemisms and encouragement for the child to ‘get better’ faster scare and confuse young children especially. (1) Johnston explains that even young children already recognize death on some level as a force of ‘otherness’ or as a large force of loss or non-being. Adults often fail to recognize that a child’s mourning relegates them to this same category as the child attempts to put death in, as an antagonistic force. (45-49)

Keeping a child or adolescent from a direct confrontation with the death of a loved one differs from an avoidance of the issue. Death cannot be altogether avoided. Although children should not be exposed to the visual shock of their deceased loved one, children should be prepared to discuss and process death in a comfortable, sensitive, age-appropriate manner before the event occurs. After all, children experience grief long before they remember an influential death. Children break toys; they cry when their favorite cartoon characters get hurt; they lose pets. Children have four tasks in mourning: 1) accepting loss, 2) experiencing the pain, 3) adjusting to the new life, and 4) memorializing or relocating the deceased person’s role in their lives. (McEntire) This list of tasks mirrors the adult tasks- except that they often go through these stages with less support and guidance. For a complete list of steps, read Branch and Brinson’s “Gone But Not Forgotten: Children’s Experiences with Attachment, Separation, and Loss.”

Leaver (2006) argues that many of the common death-related rituals, such as friendly visits, child services, provisions for a reception, counseling, and funeral services, provide a sense of closure and memorialize the death with an affirmation of life. Even this assertion does not require the child’s attendance at the funeral—they can receive a copy of the program, visit with family, and attend the reception without the harsh finality of seeing either the corpse or the casket. McEntire also urges parents to enlist the help of school personnel, who may prepare the other students to be sensitive to this loss and make a sympathy card and who watch for changes in behavior and demeanor. This also allows the personnel to avoid making clumsy references to family figures or friends that dredge up painful memories for the student.

During good times, people plan for trips, plan bright futures, plan the smoothest possible future. Why do adults with children hesitate to prepare their children for death? Many adults think that a child will simply grow out of their grief independently. However, even young children often engage in high-risk behavior, running into the street or hiding from adults, because they only understand that their loved one is gone and that death is the only way to join them again. Children’s grief is just as real as that of adults, and they are often overlooked. Children should not go to funerals but should instead be as prepared as they can for death, grief, acceptance, and loss. This includes a plan of proactive explanation of these concepts, recognize the grieving differences between children and adults, join with school, religious, counseling, and other professionals to help the child through any potential crisis, and allow the children to participate in other death rituals of mutual support and acceptance. Don’t wait. Plan now.

Works Cited

Branch, Mary Louise, & Sabrina A. Brinson. “Gone But Not Forgotten: Children’s Experiences with Attachment, Separation, and Loss.” Reclaiming Children and Youth. Fall 2007. 16.3: 41- 45. Print.

Johnston, Rosemary Ross. “In and out of otherness: Being and not-being in children’s literature”. (May 2009). Children’s Literature Studies and Literary Theory Today, 36.1: 45-54.

Leaver, Dan. “Children & Grief: Explaining Grace’s Ministries to Young People.” March 2006. Retrieved from <http://www.unitedchurchyouth.ca/RDPYM/Blog/Entries/2011/2/9_Children_and_Grief_files/Child%20and%20Grief.pdf>.

McEntire, Nancy. “Children and Grief.” ERIC DIGEST. June 2003. Print.