Who Isn’t Divorced, Research Paper Example

Introduction

This paper examines the subject matter of divorce in the USA.  In particular the social issues of divorce and focusing primarily upon the rising status of women at work as opposed to being the traditional “stay at home mom” and raising the family.  The paper is structured into two parts:   (1) The reasons why the rising work status of women has become a social issue in divorce cases and (ii) Some considerations as to how this problem might be addressed in a modern American society.   Are men to blame in not understanding or supporting the careers of their spouse?  Does the concept of “marriage” in modern society adequately support the building of a proper marital foundation, particularly in so far as raising up children to mature adults ?  Finally,  has marriage become an outdated institution that does not lend itself to the pressures of modern living?

Early Analysis

It is useful to contrast two distinct societies and for this illustration we will compare the USA to Japan.  Statistics in 2002 showed a general decrease in divorce rates in the USA whilst Japan showed an increase. It is anticipated that in 2010 they might converge.  ” Today, there are many women living alone in an American society that has become more fragmented since the 1960s. Women can earn a living and support themselves without entering domestic jobs (maid, nanny, etc.), living alone and dependent on no one else. Men can live alone and be happy dating, eating out, and sending their clothes to the cleaner, employing maid services, etc. Marriage becomes more of a choice, instead a matter of survival in today’s America”. (Inglish)

The concept of traditional families in the USA has changed.  Now in a large number of cases both parents work outside the home and many with extensive periods of travel required.  This has changed the traditional role of Mother ( the stay at home child rearer) and the Father ( the provider or main income earner).  Owing to career many parent delay having children until their 30’s or early 40’s.  Equally the foundation has changed seeing the Fathers taking much more responsibility in the maternal upbringing of the Children.  Most people picture a traditional family ( in stereotypes the normal family ) as a married man and woman and their biologic children.  Today however,  this situation has changed  and a family may consist of a single parent, a gay couple, or unrelated adults who live and rear children together. This in turn has created a very different environment for the children being raised.   ” During the last several decades, increasing numbers of families have deviated from the traditional model. Divorce forces many children into single-parent families or blended families created by adults living together or remarriage. About 33% of children are born to single mothers, and about 10% of children are born to single teenage mothers. Many children are reared by grandparents or other relatives. Over 1 million children live with adoptive parents.”  (Moira Szilagyi)

The Social Issue of Women’s Rising Status

A recent article appeared in Forbes Magazine that sparked off a round of controversy.  In essence the article cautioning the male population to stay away from career women. In order to support the statement it quoted a recent Social Science research study.  ” recent studies have found professional women are more likely to get divorced, more likely to cheat and less likely to have children. And if they do have kids, they are more likely to be unhappy about it. A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women–even those with a “feminist” outlook–are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner.”  (Noer).  An interesting point of view but in itself is insufficient to constitute a final verdict.  Most marriages are built upon strong foundations and these are normally formed in the first 5 years.  Communications is vital and that both parties are prepared to listen and respect each others point of view. It should not be a question of dominance but a partnership of equals. True love is based upon mutual respect and understanding and the willingness of both parties to make sacrifices for the other.

Certainly having Children too early in a marriage is not a good proposition until these foundations have been securely lain.  Elizabeth Corcoran wrote a counter argument in Forbes illustrating the female point of view ” I’ve been working since the day I graduated from college 20-odd years ago. I have two grade-school-aged children. Work definitely takes up more than 35 hours a week for me. Thankfully, I do seem to make more than $30,000. ”  (Corcoran) She went on to say that she has been happily married for 18 years.  The important point that Elizabeth makes is the “teamwork concept”  having complimentary interests and skills, with less overlap there is less competing.  Equally there is greater recognition for each others skills and attributes. ” The essence of a good marriage, it seems to me, is that both people have to learn to change and keep on adapting. Children bring tons of change. Mothers encounter it first during the nine months of pregnancy, starting with changing body dimensions. But fathers have to learn to adapt, too, by learning to help care for children, to take charge of new aspects of a household, to adapt as the mothers change.”  (Corcoran)

Perception of others is another point that puts social pressure on both parties.  For example where a man stays at home to look after the children whist his professional wife becomes the main income earner.  The man gains feedback from other males at work similar to that of Todd in the following example ” What kills me is the perception that women that stay home are called homemakers, ‘domestic engineers,’ and whatever else, but when men do it, they’re looked at as ‘unemployed lazy bums.”  (Browne).  This essentially can result in loss of self-esteem in the men and can often drive them into external relationships or affairs where they attempt to regain dominance and self respect.

The counter side of this is that the professional working woman often finds other male peers that become more attractive that the domesticated partner at home.  This can be intensified if the partner at home becomes angry, resentful and bitter towards his role in life.  You have the beginnings of a downward spiral and one where the children are unwilling participants and suffer as a result.  Children are intelligent and quickly recognize the social problems emerging, particularly when one or both parents start having affairs outside of the marriage.  Whilst ultimately the parents tend to go on and lead new lives with other partners, the damage to children can be immense and can result in psychological problems that will remain with the children for the rest of their lives.

From the male perspective this seems to work best with those who have had a successful business career and now see it as the wife’s turn.  Particularly where she made sacrifices to help the man succeed. ” He is more likely to foster a feeling of appreciation (or even indebtedness) toward her. Several of the men I contacted shared how they had used their own career knowledge to help their wives excel in business. Their contributions ranged from helping their wives study for a degree to advising them on business practices. These men also frequently recalled how their wives had been there for them and that they were returning the favor ”  (Browne)

Resolving the Social Issues

In a lot of cases what gets quickly forgotten is the sanctity of marriage and the pledge that was made between both partners consenting to marriage.  It was never intended to be easy but a means of two people forming a bond where the sum of the parts is greater than the individual. There are a number of attributes that make for a successful marriage and these have to be endured by both parties.  It is not just a question of simple love that can be all too fleeting. The early foundations of marriage require : good communications – talk openly and honestly to one another at all times, have a mutual respect for one another,  solve life’s problems as a team – learn to trust and work together, never betray trust, it can prove very difficult to regain,  be prepared to compromise, be there for one another always!  If the foundations are there, then the rest can be built slowly over time.

In those marriages where the foundations are not properly built, like any building built upon poor foundations there will always be structural problems.  To an extent you can work on repairs but all to often the damage is done and the more repairs ultimately only lead to the collapse of the building or in this case the marriage.  It is equally possible to build good foundations and then not work on sustaining the very principles you have agreed upon.  This is often most dangerous for those couples who married young or at early age.  After several years of hardship or struggling at making a marriage work there is a tendency to look towards greener pastures.  The male perspective  might be the back packer friend that has just returned from his exploits in Australia and the South Pacific.  The single guy image of having a good time, seeing the world, free from burdensome responsibilities – all lures to pull the young married person away into a perceived better life.  The young married girl married early and did not have many relationships, she might become attracted by more interesting males, particularly vulnerable where she has retained a network of old school friends who are also married and wish to challenge the boredom of a single relationship.  The temptations are there at an early age and this can be compounded where there is a family and they are struggling with financial issues.

The recent recession and unemployment has imposed tremendous strains on young people. This particularly where there is loss of employment, mounting debts, too heavy reliance on credit cards.  The impossibility of getting mortgages due to a poor credit rating.  It is all too easy to walk away and try to start a new life somewhere else.  Both partners have to recognise the signs, be prepared to talk about the situation, seek help from close family and friends.  Very often be prepared to go through a re-financing package and scale back to a position that they can both afford and work together to build a better future.  If you work as a team you learn from these situations and ultimately become stronger for the experience.

When the marriage has completely broken down and a potential reconciliation is impossible.  The first consideration must be the welfare of the Children.  If there are no children this is greatly simplified.  Children are most likely to feel betrayed by one or both of their parents in a divorce situation.  They will feel angry, sad and frightened about the uncertainty of life after the loss of one of their parents.  The most important aspect is communication and the expression of love from both parents for their children.  They are not being abandoned  and both parents will continue to strive for their safety and support.  Both parents should strive towards a good civil relationship with one another to lessen the severity of the impact on the children.  Given the right level of support the child will be able to grieve the loss but ultimately emerge a stronger and more resilient person.  Above all else Children need to feel protected and loved by their parents. The trials of divorce can be extremely upsetting and disturbing for children, particularly where the parents express animosity towards one another.  Good communications is essential and it is important to carefully and calmly talk about this with the children.  Empathy being vital in terms of listening and understanding the children’s point of view.  Above all the need for re-assurance and that everyone in the family unit will get through the process.  Ultimately everything will be alright and life will continue as normal for the children.  They may live with one parent and will continue to see the other parent, they are not being abandoned.

It’s really important for the children to understand that just because their parents are divorcing  each other, they’re not divorcing their Children . Some Children are very afraid that if their parents are divorcing, it means their moms and dads will want to leave them, too. Even though the child of a divorced couple usually lives with only one parent most of the time, the absentee parent living  somewhere else is still that child’s  mom or dad.  This is a very important part of the re-enforcement when explaining the situation to the child.  The child must be assured that they are in no way responsible for the parents splitting up.  This is particularly important if the child has witnessed conflict or rows between the respective parents.

Works Cited

Browne, Kathi. Wingspouse. 1 9 2009. 13 12 2009 <http://wingspouse.com/blog/tag/social-pressure/>.

Corcoran, Elizabeth. Counterpoint: Don’t Marry A Lazy Man . 2009. 13 12 2009 <http://www.forbes.com/2006/08/23/Marriage-Careers-Divorce_cx_mn_land.html>.

Inglish, Patty. Major Causes Of Divorce. 2009. 13 12 2009.

Moira Szilagyi, MD, PhD. Divorce . 7 2007. 13 12 2009 <http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec23/ch287/ch287d.html>.

Noer, Michael. Careers And Marriage. 2009. 13 12 2009.