A Lesson on Communication and the Art of Speech, Essay Example

I am a loner. I have always wanted to do things on my own. Perhaps because of not being comfortable with confrontations and other elements of disagreements, I have always settled for being alone and doing things the way I want to. And I would say, I was good at it too. The fact is I often find a good way to make reasons in order to get myself out of particular situations that require me to get involved in team plays and other activities that require having a partner. This personal attitude I have towards personal space improved the way I was able to recognize my strengths and my weaknesses; however, it was also the reason why I began shunning friends away; closing my doors to possibilities of improvement through exchanging my thoughts with others. At first, I did not really care about it. In fact, I even enjoyed not having to deal with complicated issues of arguing with my partner or my assigned team just to get to a result. I often finish my work ahead of time because I need not compromise my thoughts and my decisions with what others think. I had my way and I enjoyed having the freedom of simply following my personal pattern of thinking and doing things the way I like.

Was I selfish, self-centered or anything else that might be used to described the way I loved being with myself? As I grew up, I knew there was something wrong with my behavior. While my classmates enjoyed the way they mingle with others, I was okay with being alone in the table, reading my book and eating my lunch. I began questioning myself one day. I started out looking and observing my classmates, trying to understand how they react on matters, I how they give each other complement and how they try to resolve the issues that arise between them. I often looked from a distance; I was afraid they would say I was stalking them or that they would think that I am such a looser. I carefully noted how they behaved around each other and compared it to how they behaved when they were alone. Little did I know that I was already developing a behavioral research that would have a definite impact on my studies and my being in the future.

I was twelve years of age then. I kept a journal where I wrote down my observations, keeping close track of what was happening, what a person was doing and how the changes in the environment changes the person directly. I had fun doing what I did, however, it came to a point when I became more concerned as to what it would be like if I was in the middle of the conversations; if I took the time to actually mingle with them. Will I survive? Call me over acting, but I would be honest, it was my first time to even think about getting into a conversation with another individual. Not that I did not speak ever in my life, of course I did. However, when my parents separated and I was left with my grandmother, I did feel the need to be less expressive; I never thought I would be able to tell others about what I feel and that I did not believe anyone would be able to understand me or whatever it is that I was going through. Resorting to being alone and focused on what I do on my own was more of an escape to a sanctuary that only I can understand. Being on my own was my comfort zone; and I was never ready to break those walls until now when I began to finally long for someone to talk to.

I was feeling uneasy. I did not know what to do, and what’s worse, I did not know how to start a conversation. I started out with a smile. I often hear how a smile could start good connections with others; and this was the first time I was ever going to use it. It felt like going to the battle field. It felt as if I was going there with nothing up my sleeves; as I was approaching a group of my classmates, I imagined my comfort zone’s wall being torn apart as if it was the “Berlin Wall” only that I was the only one breaking it.

The first step was done, I was there, I was standing beside the group’s most popular member. She then asked me “Hey, you finally came up. Would you like to have a seat?” My reaction was somewhat stupid if not dumb founded as I just stared at her and I was frozen like ice. What do I do, what do I say? These were the questions lingering in my head during that event. I did not know how to react to what she said even though it was a very simple request. Instead of simply accepting the offer of seating along with them, several images were running in my head, I did not know how to deal with this. I decided to just sit down and not say a word. It was okay at first, but everything began to change when they started asking questions to me about my personal life. I knew they just wanted to know more about me, to connect with me in the most confortable manner possible; but I was not ready to disclose anything yet. I began standing up uneasily in every question until the point that I excused myself to go to the comfort room and never came back. I felt very much ashamed of such an incident. I promised myself not to compromise myself in such a conversation, as situation as such. I knew I would not survive another blow of such condition in my face. I do not want to lose my face again; and right there and then, I knew I would have a problem getting back to class and facing the same group with their questions. I felt very anxious, I felt as if my walls have been broken down and there is no way I can fix it up again; I felt so unprotected and vulnerable.

But then I knew I had to go to class; and so I did. I was trying to survive this day when I finally realized that I had to go and ask for an apology for my behavior the other day. I started getting near the first person I could get in touch with and said ‘hi’. He responded, “Yeah, hi. What happened to you yesterday? You never came back.” I had to make an excuse saying a teacher asked me to do something when I was on my way back and so I was not able to come back to the group. My excuse was accepted and we started out talking. The conversation we had was considerably refreshing. He never asked me about anything that was too personal. Our topics were rather general. I thought this one is good; he knew how to handle my uneasiness. He tried to change the topic whenever he felt that I was becoming uneasy with the questions he was throwing at me. At the end of the conversation, he said “well, the class is about to start, nice chatting with you”. I wanted to say the same, but I guess smiling was enough to make him realize that I did have a good time listening to what he was saying as well.

The conversation stayed stuck in my mind for the whole week. I realized that somehow, I had the chance to finally make a friend. However, since it was my first time, I knew I would need to break myself and share something with that friend and I was not ready to do such a thing yet. But then again, the next day, he was the first one to approach me. I was surprised that he would do that. Nonetheless, he started talking to me about what he did last night and he was very excited. I was carried away with the conversation until the next minutes, I finally find myself asking questions about his story and reacting accordingly to the situations he relate depending on how I view them personally. I felt at ease and comfortable, I knew I was getting into the connection and I was enjoying every bit of it. The next day and the days that came after this, I began to look forward to the same conversations. A little while longer, I began to embrace the possibility of sharing my own stories with this new friend. It felt good to know and see that he was listening to me and that he was also responding to my emotions and my reactions as I narrate my own stories. It was good; and I knew that breaking that wall was somewhat worth it for me to have gained a friend that I was immediately able to connect with.

Later on, he encouraged me to meet with the group again. He mentioned that it would be much more fun to have conversations with several others. He said he enjoyed talking with me and sharing his thoughts with me, but it would be much better if I would be able to open myself to others as well. It was rather a fearful consideration for me, but since I trusted him, I knew it was worth something more than my fears. I then went towards the group with him. He introduced me informally and asked if it would be okay if we sit with them. It was as if I knew them for a long time. The conversations went flowing flawlessly. I shared my thoughts without the fear of being judged. Perhaps it was the generality of the topics that kept me at a balanced bay of sharing myself to the group.

I had a good night sleep and again looked forward for the day that was to come. I wanted to share myself further, but the day I feared came into existence and I think that somehow, this was a rather compelling experience that challenged my capacity to make new friends; a new avenue I was just exploring lately. The day started out properly, I decided to go to the group immediately. However, one of the girls asked me about my personal life. Since I was already open to sharing with them my inner thoughts, it felt easier for me to share myself with them. I found out that one of the girls in the group had to deal with so much as I did have to go through. She shared her experience to the group. However, I did want to know more, I asked several questions, until the point when she kept quiet and told me “do you really have to ask that way? I do not know if you are implying or if you are asking”; the she walked out. I did not know what I did; I did not know what part of my question made her feel uneasy. I did not know how to react and somehow the group just kept quiet for quite some time until one of them reminded that we will be late for class if we did not go now.

I felt as if I was a jerk. Then one of them asked me to come with him to play ball. It was an odd invitation, but then again, I knew I needed it to refresh myself and to keep myself off from the thought of having had insulted a friend I have just recently gained. He told me this game would help me release stress. We played catch; it was fun at first; it was nothing, just a mere process of throwing and catching the ball. Then somehow, his throws became even harsher and stronger, up to the point when I already asked “are you angry with me? It seems that your throws are becoming much stronger by the minute!” Then he responded, “’know what, it’s not the ball, it’s how you throw it”. I was puzzled with what he said, but to keep the situation calm I just kept myself quiet, I took the ball and politely excused myself saying that I was tired and that I needed to go to the comfort room. He responded that he’d see me the next day and ended up the encounter.

Until the time I came home, I was still thinking about what he said. When I reached my room, I faced the wall and threw the ball against it and played catch on my own. I thought of what he said over and over again. It was not until the ball hit my head that I got what he meant. I may have nothing in mind that is supposed to insult the girl I responded to while the group was conversing. However, the way I threw her the question that made such encounter rather awry. Her situation and her condition made my question rather affective and insulting somehow. I realized how insulting it was especially that she was already going through so much. I knew what it felt like to lose someone and be alone for a long time; I should have known better how to handle such point of conversation. I did want to do something for her to at least let her know that I did not mean to insult her or bring her into the state of uneasiness that she felt that time. I also knew I needed to make it a point to apologize to the group especially because they have also been obviously affected by what has happened.

Nevertheless, I knew I had to prepare myself for such an encounter. I needed to make a change; my shyness and my reservations with regards my personal space need to be set aside. I want to make sure that as I open my mouth, I want them to listen and give me their attention and accept my explanation; but I cannot force them to do that, can I? I decided to come to class and ask for their permission if I could still stay with them during lunch. Gladly, although it was a cold response, they said yes.

When we finally came to the lunch table where we usually stay, I asked them to bear with me. I told them about my communication issues. I opened myself up to them and had them understand how I go with my relationships with my parents and my family and my issues with regards communicating with people around me. I have found it rather uneasy to talk to them about my issues but somehow, it made it easier for me to provide them with my case and how I much I wanted to make things better especially in creating a more workable relationship with my new friends. In the end, they accepted my explanation and somehow gave me a better understanding on why I was able to say what I said and finally accepted my flaws. This time, I have proven that when it comes to throwing the ball at the right time and the right way, the receipt of the ball would be many considerably light and positive making relationships much workable to deal with. From this point on, I became more open towards sharing myself to others further. I knew that in order to gain friends, I should be able to share what I am with them, in the end it will all be worth it.