A Review of Key Seminar Paper: Relationships, Interaction, Defenses, and Transformation by Evelyn Cleavely, Case Study Example

Relationships offer various challenges to people who are in it. The psychodynamics of all the aspects of a relationship even amazes those who are considered to be very stable and intimate such as in marriage. This paper provides a review of a seminar paper presented by Evelyn Cleavely on aspects of relationships and marriage which comprise interaction, defences, and transformation. This paper seeks to provide an analysis of major aspects that define a relationship which can be used to aid better understanding between individuals in a relationship as they strive to solve their current problems through an understanding of their individuality and the expectations of their partners.

From the flow of events in the paper, the author provides a well written paper that captures important aspects that define the nature of relationships especially in marriage. First, the author provides a succinct explanation of the general overview of nature of relationships. She suggests that relationships are formed of opposing forces. These opposing forces to her are good for fostering development (positive development) towards achieving happiness in relationships

The author provides that every relationship has opposing forces. She explains this by providing examples of the various contrasting feelings that we can have for those we are in a relationship with. We can have feelings of tender love and adoration for a person at one time and in other times we can have feelings of complete disgust and hate for the same person. Such feelings according to her are important for fostering growth and understanding among individuals in a relationship.

Her major view on nature of relationships is that relationships are better explained by the existence of conflicting views. To her relationships are best described by the existence of completely opposing feelings between individuals in a relationship. The opposing forces in the relationship are as a result of difference in the individuality of those in the relationship. She compares the existence of such forces to the nature of humanity by providing evidence that the world today is full of opposing forces that help in better providing alternatives for making the world a better place.

Contrary to views held by people on relationships who suggest that conflicts in relationships may cause total breakup and or can make relationships redundant, Cleavely sees that the existence of conflicts in relationships is a sign that a relationship or a marriage has shown signs of moving forward or growth. To her, conflicts shows that those in a relationship are committed to making the relationship work and want their partners to be able to accommodate their individuality in the relationship. It is also a sign that the parties in a relationship is guiding each other and with the reaction of the other being to be able to express their independence in the relationship. Conflict in relationships to her is no different from the various conscious fears of people today in the world about their existence. Today’s world is marked by the existence of conscious efforts towards making sure that humanity is accommodated by the world. The fear of parties in a relationship that their relationship can end make each one of them ensure that they have given their best in trying to make the relationship work. Just like humanity is making conservatory measures due to the fear that the earth may at one time be unable to accommodate them, parties in a relationship always have constant their relationship may break and hence the insecurity.

According to her, the major sources of conflict in a relationship are the constant need for intimacy and autonomy at the same time in a relationship. Such needs always demand different attention and feelings for one’s partner in a relationship. Success in a marriage depends on how the individuals in the marriage balance between the forces that are essential for the growth of the relationship, that is, how they regulate the need for intimacy and autonomy in the. The opposing needs always give rise to the feelings of love and hate which are considered the sole determinants of whether a marriage or a relationship can grow and develop or it ends in bitter breakups and divorces. To marriage and relationship psychologists, the best way that individuals that are in a relationship can be helped is by showing them the way that they can best regulate the feelings of love and hate in their relationship. So it can be seen that the beginning of understanding the psychodynamics of marriage and relationship is by understanding the nature of conflicts of the needs and feelings that exist in a relationship.

On interaction, the author suggests that relationship between people is often regulated by the aspects of marriage. For every individual is in one way or the other having some sense of attachment or experience of marriage, every aspect of interaction between individuals in the society has some basis or is in some way defined by the knowledge that we have about how relationships should work. This then brings problems or success in the current relationship. As explained, every individual has some previous knowledge or experienced how relationship work and they have developed an attitude or feelings about relationships. Such feelings or attitude developed may lead to problems or success in interaction in the current relationship. Marriage or relationship offers the individual the opportunity to correct or uphold what they have experienced about relationships in the past. To a great extend, marriage gives an individual the opportunity to resolve the conflicts about relationships that they experienced in the past. The author provides that a marriage gives the partners to be the adult and the child at the same time without it jeopardizing the adult or sexual life of the couple (page 57). Couples who can adequately achieve the above have higher chances of experiencing growth and development in their relationship. This is because every partner knows or trusts that their partner can help them recover and feel safe and they also know that they can help make their partners feel comfortable and loved in their relationship.

As already mentioned the author stresses on the importance of managing conflicts in realizing success in relationships. The ability to regulate conflicts between the internal feelings in individuals in a relationship is always based on a defensive system developed by the couple overtime. To succeed in the relationship, a couple should be able to learn to locate the internal feelings of each other. Being able to adequately locate such feelings as bitterness and anxiety in their relationship and developing an elaborate defensive system to such feelings always gives the partners in the relationship the opportunity for growth as they can shield themselves from such feelings which are the sole reasons why relationships break. However in some instances, a couple may be aware of the feelings that they have for each other and the they kind of feeling that such feelings arouses in their partner. Without an elaborate defensive system that they can cover each other from the feelings of bitterness and anxiety in their relationships, a relationship is always bound to break.

A good example of a defensive mechanism is provided as the case of learning from past experience which leads to the need for defense. It is always centered on the fear of something that happened in the past reoccurring in the future. It should be noted that what constitutes development is not what happened in the past but rather how such happenings will be managed in the future if they were to reoccur. Individuals often make sure that they have the capacity through the help of the one they are in a relationship that they can relive such experiences and making the right choices that they should have when they were young. It’s like striving to correct past live through seeking ways that they can adequately handling similar situations in the future through the help of those they are in a relationship with.

The author provides clear explanations and draws reference from other authors who concur on the fear of breakdown as the reason for the development of defensive strategies. The author suggests that the reason why individuals develop defensive systems is not because they are afraid of experiencing a certain happening in the future but rather they are afraid of something that they have experienced in the past happening. Because they were unable to adequately handle the situation due to their helplessness, they are making sure that should a similar happening occur in the future they are ready and will be adequately equipped to handle it. The other explanation given for this is that individuals are searching for what happened in the past but they did not get the chance to live or experience it. It is a conscious reenactment of the events of the past so that they can be able to live what they missed in the past.

The author likens defensive systems in a relationship with to gates. It regulates what is revealed and what is not and becomes. She proposes that for a relationship to work this gate should not be permanently closed or opened as this may greatly affect development and growth in the relationship. The function of therapy is to help individuals in the relationship be able to control the events in their relationship. They should be able to consciously choose what to reveal and what not to reveal to their partners.

The author further provides that for a relationship to develop and grow, partners in the relationship should be able to externalize their inner most fears and feelings that are in contrast to those of their partners. In the interaction process with who forms a better part of them as they hope for better ways that a conflict can be resolved in the most amicable way. The nature of every defensive system and emotional conflict is that every individual longs for intimate love and care and at the same time fears that their individuality may lost if they become more submissive. So they still want to be independent and autonomous at the same time. When they have achieved independence and self sufficiency there is always the fear of the losing touch with their tender side in life therefore they long for intimacy, love and care from their partner due to the fear that they may be abandoned and left alone by their partner. This to the author explains the reason why there can be conflicting feelings about the same person. It explains why an individual can have feelings of both adoration love and care and at the same time hate for the same person.

The most significant way that individuals address such fears in their lives is through finding a partner that will be able to show and control the most feared part of them. Their partner can be able to help them address the part of their inner feelings that they fear the most. This explains the contrasting personalities in relationships that has almost become the nature of human all relationships. It goes to what humans always say of their partners in relationships as “they complete them”. Because they have the other side of you that you fear the most.

In conclusion, the paper provides a thorough understanding of the nature of relationships and marriages in humans. It explains the sources of conflicts in marriages and provides the nature of conflicts in relationships. It shows how conflicts can be a way that parties in a relationship can better understand each other. Such information can be very useful in providing counseling for individuals undergoing problems in their relationship. This paper can be recommended for anyone providing counseling services to couples.