Domestic Violence in a Lesbian Relationship, Case Study Example

Kara is a 32 year old lesbian.  She has been living with her partner Michelle for four years.  At the time of her interview, Kara was still living with Michelle, but was looking for another place.  During the interview, Kara was obviously distraught and burst into tears on several occasions.  The interview began by exploring the couple’s history.

Kara and Michelle met at a gay bar where they both played darts.  Kara described Michelle as being attractive, outgoing and having a “life of the party” personality.  The two dated for several months before deciding to move in together.  Kara had been working as an office manager for a small company and was living in an apartment.  Michelle owned a lawn maintenance business which she ran from her two bedroom house.

Shortly after moving in with Michelle, Kara quit her job and worked with Michelle mowing grass and trimming hedges.  Kara also kept the books and handled correspondence from customers.  After living together for about a year, the two had a commitment ceremony in front of friends in Michelle’s back yard.

Kara had been a light drinker in the past, consuming one or two beers while playing darts at the bar.  Michelle was a heavy drinker and was seldom seen without a beer in her hand.  Over time, Kara had started drinking more but had never become a constant drinker like her partner.  Kara had always been monogamous in the relationship.  Conversely, Michelle had several incidents of “straying” particularly when she was drunk.

Notwithstanding Michelle’s inebriated indiscretions, Kara was fairly happy in the relationship.  That changed about eighteen months ago when Michelle announced that she wanted to begin taking hormones to become transgendered.  Kara did not support this decision and the two had many fights over the issue.  Michelle began hormone treatments anyway.

Kara stated; “Michelle had always been pretty dikee – which was cool with me because I like a strong woman, but it started getting ridiculous” Aside from the fact that Michelle was starting to grow additional body hair, Kara said that her whole attitude and deportment changed.  “She became mean and violent” said Kara “and she started hitting me and throwing things when she got angry – which was a lot.”

Kara claimed that the domestic violence had become routine and that Michelle would beg forgiveness afterward and promise to change.  Michelle often said “It’s the hormones.”  Of that, Kara had no doubt and implored Michelle to reconsider taking them.  At the time of the interview, Kara had just begun looking for somewhere else to stay.  She said she “just couldn’t take it any more” and wanted out.

One of Kara’s biggest frustrations was not having anywhere to go to talk to someone about her problems with Michelle.  She said that it was hard enough finding someone to talk to about problems in a lesbian relationship, let alone being able to deal with a transgender issue.  Karyn indicted the LGBT community as being “very fragmented” and “not a cohesive group.”

As popular as drag shows might be, true transgendered people are still the black sheep of the LGBT community.  They are not men who like men, or women who like women.  In Michelle’s case, she was a woman turning into a man, – who likes women.  As Kara described this to me she said with an angry tone; “What the hell is that all about?  This is so fucked up.  I don’t know where to go.  Straight people don’t know how to talk to gay people, and gay people are uncomfortable with transgender issues.”

Kara’s frustration with finding help through her situation is not uncommon in the LGBT community.  Larger metropolitan areas have LGBT community centers, and gay, or “gay-friendly” resources such as counseling centers.  Unfortunately, most businesses that offer Employee Assistance Programs or include counseling in their health plans, use specific lists of vendors that are designed to meet the needs of mainstream problems.

Counselors who are not trained to deal with LGBT issues may lack not only the sensitivity to deal with gay issues, but may lack a basic understanding about the workings of the LGBT community at large.  An example of this was illustrated in Rollins (2009) article about the subject of religion and spirituality.  Rolling asserts that many counselors simply presume that LGBT clients are anti-religious and a-spiritual.  He states that many LGBT individuals deeply desire to maintain their faith despite their sexual orientation.

Resources for victims of domestic violence are typically geared toward heterosexual women.  According to Spinelli (2009) domestic violence is a problem in one out of four same-sex relationships – far high than in heterosexual relationships.  Most of these cases go unreported fearing the reaction of a police officer to a gay man saying “My boyfriend hit me.”

Alcoholism is also a significant problem within the LGBT community.  In her article Clinton (2007) asserts that 20% to 30% of gays and lesbians are alcoholic and nearly 1/3 of that population use drugs.  A favorite spot for LGBT people to meet others is at LGBT bars, and most people who go to bars do not drink iced tea.

Kara’s presenting problem has several facets.  She drinks too much, and uses alcohol to medicate her feelings of frustration and fear.  She certainly has some codependency issues as evidenced by her willingness to remain in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic who repeatedly cheated on her.  At the moment, she is still living in an unsafe environment where her physical as well as emotional health is in jeopardy.

An appropriate plan would start with her living situation.  She must get out of the house immediately.  Domestic violence shelters are not just for straight women.   Taking the step to get out of an abusive relationship is hard for anyone.  Chances are the fact that her abusive partner was another woman will probably be understood at a shelter.  The next problem to deal with is her alcohol consumption and codependency.  There are many Alanon groups that cater specifically to women – gay or straight.  Attendance at these meetings would help Kara come to grips with the part that alcohol has played in her dysfunctional life.  It would also give her the opportunity to work on her spiritual life in a safe environment.

The hardest challenge will be finding a specialized counselor who can help her process her abusive history and come to terms with the fact that someone she loves is turning into someone she doesn’t want.  There are many LGBT organizations that might be able to help find such a resource.  Such a counselor would not necessarily need to be LGBT, but must understand the community and be sensitive to LGBT issues.

Follow-up will be critical.  Kara made a commitment during the interview to go to a shelter immediately.  She agreed to call me to confirm that she had done so.  She also agreed to go to an Alanon meeting and get a sponsor.  Before leaving from the interview, Kara was given the phone number of an LGBT-friendly counselor who specialized in domestic violence.

I agreed to follow up with Kara every day for the next few weeks, as long as she follows the recommendations made in the interview.  Just like any person, gay or straight, the decision to change her life is hers.  Others can guide, provide resources and offer support.  The steps she takes however must be her own.

References

(Clinton K 2007828 Friends of Bill and Dorothy)Clinton, K. (2007, August 28). Friends of Bill and Dorothy. Advocate, (991), 51. Retrieved from http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/ehost/detail?vid=13&hid=13&sid=74329524-5379-433c-ae8e-8a08340980e6%40sessionmgr11&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=a9h&AN=26264602

(Rollins J 2009 Religious issues and LGBT clients)Rollins, J. (2009). Religious issues and LGBT clients. Counseling Today, , 42. Retrieved from http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=5&hid=13&sid=74329524-5379-433c-ae8e-8a08340980e6%40sessionmgr11

(Spinelli F 2009 Courage to get out)Spinelli, F. (2009). Courage to get out. Advocate, Jun/Jul 2009(1027/1028), 40. Retrieved from http://web.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.apollolibrary.com/ehost/detail?vid=7&hid=13&sid=74329524-5379-433c-ae8e-8a08340980e6%40sessionmgr11&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=a9h&AN=39563674