Human Sexuality – Egalitarian Marriages, Article Critique Example

In a recent article within The New York Times, Gottlieb states that studies have already confirmed: more equal marriages mean couples have less sex. The author starts the argument with the description of a personal experience with married couples at a dinner party. She states that the relationship that everyone would see as a perfect couple, working in harmony might be good in one aspect, but certainly not promote an exciting and frequent sexual life. The author works as a psychotherapist and has experience in marriage counseling. She has written a book about relationships, titled:  “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”. Gottlieb views the question of equality from an unusual angle. She states that while gender roles have changed significantly during the past century, men have lost their masculinity, while women have gained more power. Indeed, this shift of gender roles is clearly visible in the American society. Women are becoming equal, choose their partners to be similar to them. This is a phenomenon that makes couples more like best friends and partners. Marriages are results of conscious decisions, and people choose partners who have similar interests and preferences as them. However, quoting a study of the Swiss researcher Claus Wedekind, she states that people are more attracted sexually to those whose genetic make-up is significantly different from them.

Indeed, the author truly captures the problem: wives want husbands to look at them as equal partners and help out in housework, but dong the housework does not make men look sexy. One of the examples that Gottlieb uses is a woman who said that she indeed found her husband sexy when he came home from the gym, all sweaty, showing the muscles. But they started an argument about hoovering. When the counselor asked whether she would have had sex with the husband if he started off the hoover she said: “probably not”. This is a paradox that is hard to understand. In a recent response to  Gottlieb’s article in the Gender & Society (Gager), the author  states that it is evident that wives do not get turned on by watching men do housework. However,  she also concludes that on the average, men who help out make women happier, and more happiness should mean a better and healthier sexual life. Relieving stress, according to Gager does reduce the level of stress hormones and increases sexual desire. The same author also states that the studies quoted by Gottlieb are picked randomly, and do not represent the entire population.

Criticizm

Schulte, in a Washington Post article notes the contradiction between the views of Gager and Gottlieb’s findings. While Gottlieb states that men who do more housework have less sex, Gager states that indeed they have more. Shulte concludes that indeed, if both of the partners do work and contribute towards household income, as well as chores, both of them will be equally tired and suffer from a lack of time. This will result in reduced opportunities of getting intimate, and the timing can not always be adjusted to suit both parties. Schulte states that “sexless” marriages are more common in the United States than it is commonly anticipated. Indeed, this figure (quoting the estimation of The National Health and Social Life Survey) is one in five.

Finally, Shulte addresses Gottlieb’s claims that “kindred spirit” kills sex life. Indeed, she states that unexciting sex life is a phenomenon that is present in the entire society, and not only among “kindred spirit” marriages. According to her, the reason why couples’ sex life is becoming least frequent and duller is down to the fact that women are still assigned traditional gender roles in bed. They are “not supposed to” be initiative.

Gender Roles and Sexual Life

As a reflection to the article written by Gottlieb, it is important to note that gender roles influence relationships, sexual life, and family life alike. During the course, we have studied gender role differences, traditional views of men and women. While women are starting to have corporate jobs, often paying more than men’s, they take on two roles at the same time. This results in two things, according to  Gottlieb. First, women become more career-oriented, work longer hours, and become more confident. Second, men lose their self-respect as they cannot take on their traditional “masculine” role, and are unable to act as the “head of the household”. Meanwhile, as Schulte confirms, men have a higher sex drive than women, and women who are exhausted will have even lower drive. Men’s low self-esteem would result in a lower sex drive, and is often accompanied by depression. At the same time, women’s emancipation does not result in them feeling comfortable to initiate sex. It is still a social taboo, in  the majority of marriages. While Schulte and Gager state that the studies that  Gottlieb used are outdated and random, it is likely that the author is right when she states that  “the risk of divorce is lowest when the husband does 40 percent of the housework and the wife earns 40 percent of the income”. This also goes against the statement that egalitarian marriages do not work. The above example of the woman earning 40 percent and doing 60 percent of the housework is not based on old, traditional gender roles. While men do almost as much housework as women, female partners earn almost as much as men in this case. And it works.

Gender Roles and Happy Marriage

The article reviewing research studies and the responses to the conclusion by Schulte and Gager were revealing some change patterns in the society, related to gender roles; the subject of the current course. While it is possible to argue on details and statistical data, it is evident that both Gottlieb and her critics fail to look at a marriage as a complete system of compromised decisions. Choosing a partner who is completely different in personality and genetic structure might result in a better sex life, according to “smell test” quoted by Gottlieb. However, sex is only one aspect of marriage: a completely different partner might not be a good match to make financial decisions, agree on child education, or to generally make the other person happy. Indeed, these marriages are likely to end up with a divorce. Therefore, the question of the researchers should not be whether or not sharing household chores and financial responsibilities reduces sex frequency; more importantly: does it make couples happier? If both partners are able to achieve their goals and fulfill their responsibilities at the same, time, have a good understanding between them, and respect each other, the marriage will be happy. The question is: is frequent and exciting sex life an essential part of a happy marriage, or is it only one part of the big picture? As the author (Gottlieb) concludes, quoting Esther Perel: “There’s a certain part of you that with this partner will not be fulfilled. You deal with that loss. It’s a paradox to be lived with, not solved.”

Works Cited

Gager, Constance “Response to “Does a more Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?” published in the New York Times” Gender & Society. March 1. 2014. Web.

Gottlieb, Lori “Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex?” The New York Times. Feb. 6, 2014. Web.

Schulte, Brigid “Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex and Housework But Were Too Busy to Ask” The Washington Post. February 10, 2014. Web.